Charlie Lehardy

I wish I knew what was going on with my life. What was going on with me but I don’t and it’s getting me more and more frustrated. I’m not able to do the things I need to do when I want to do them and that’s making me VERY annoyed with myself. Not only that but the things in my life that used to make me happy don’t any more. It’s like I’m a completely different person than I used to be, but I’m not even sure what that person is any more.

Yesterday I talked about change in my life and how much change there is going on. But I really only scratched the surface. There’s even more going on inside my head than what I talked about. Besides the change going on, I’m not even sure what I DO want, much less what I don’t. Take friends for example. I’ve had a great bunch of friends for the last few years (4 or 5). But things have changed in the group now and I don’t have nearly as much fun hanging out with them. Part of it is because I was traveling so much with my last job and was almost never around. But it is also because of the other people in the group changing and not doing the same things as before.

No, I don’t blame them (that’s what life is about), but it makes it hard to enjoy the group when it’s not the same as it was before and “I’M” different too. So I’ve been trying to find some new friends but I can’t seem to find a group that I really feel like I fit into. There’s this group from The Xchange (a group at Casas Adobes Baptist Church) that is fairly cool and most of them are in the same place in life that I am. But they are mostly party kind of people and drink and go to clubs a lot and I stopped doing that kind of thing a while ago.

Not only that, but I don’t feel like I’m as good as them whenever I hang out with them. Kinda like I’m the younger sibling that hangs around but nobody really wants them to. Would anybody from that group say that’s the case? Probably not but that’s what I think every time I’m with them (like tonight). Don’t get me wrong, I do generally have fun when I hang out with that group but it’s just not the same…

Then there’s also my roomie and some of his friends. They are cool to hang out with, but depending upon who’s there, I feel like I’m the old fogie of the group (mostly cuz they’re all college-aged and I’m not). Maybe it’s just that I’m picky (well, probably it’s partly that because I am…), but I’m just having a lot more problems with this than I think I should.

I guess it all makes me feel abnormal. Which is the last thing I want. I want to fit in, to feel like I mean something and I don’t. I don’t want to have these struggles and I think I always will. And there’s nothing I can do about it. Now THAT’S a depressing thought. Nothing I can do about it. So here I am, trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing. Who I’m supposed to be and as usual, I’m lost. And yes, I’m trying to do it the right way. I’m trying to do what God wants me to do but that’s not exactly easy.

No, it’s not supposed to be easy because if it were, what would we learn? But while I’m in it, I want out. I want another way, something else to happen. Freedom is what I want. Freedom from this pain that I’m always carrying around. From the burdens that I put on myself. Only God can do that, so I guess the answer is to keep giving it to him. Keep giving him the pain and everything else and carry on. The narrow path is the one I need to take. I hope I don’t stray too far.