As my last post has probably indicated, I’m not exactly happy right now. Far from it actually. Why is it that I’m not happy? I mean, I just got a new job that’s going pretty well and so I should be on top of the world, right? Well, it’s because I still feel incomplete. And THAT’S because I’m really wanting to find the right girl for me and have had a LOT of hurt in that area instead.
Yep, it pretty much boils down to girls. I guess that’s the case for most guys my age, but it’s always seemed to be more of a problem for me than with other guys. Through my life, I’d only had three girlfriends. In a lot of ways, that’s actually a good thing because I’ve only had three opportunities to really get close to a girl and have my heart broken (or break hers). But it’s also meant that every other girl I’ve approached has reproached me for bringing up the subject.
The thing is that I know what I need to do. I know I need to turn this over to God and let him take care of it. But this is my hardest struggle in life. This is the one that I always take over for myself and very rarely give to God. It’s sad, but I think that’s because I don’t trust him to give me what I want. So instead, I try to take it myself and end up failing instead. And as I have said before, it’s been made harder by most of the good friends I had before starting to date eachother and leaving me (and others) out of their new lives and relationships. Yes, some of that has been me not wanting to be a part of their PDA, but it does take two to tango…
That still leaves me here, knowing full well what I need to do but not wanting to do it because it’s so hard. I’m even using the excuse that I don’t know HOW to give it over to God to keep me from doing what I know is right and best for me. Well, that’s not completely fair. I really am NOT sure what I need to do for that, but I’m positive that if I put a little effort forward, I’d figure it out.
Above all else though, I want to get out of this rut and remove this stumbling block that has been with me for so long. I want to clean my life up and give this piece over to God and let HIM take care of it. Let HIM worry about it and let HIM make everything work for HIS glory. Because THAT is the definition of perfection and it would certainly be the perfect choice for me. So, that’s my wish and hope. That I can have the strength to give it to God and let him do what’s right in my life. Then I won’t be so sad about it any more.