Charlie Lehardy

So I was driving to work yesterday, looked to the right at some people walking/running, thinking about how I need to do that again, look in front of me and everybody’s stopped. And I’ve got about 2 seconds to stop myself. Well, I did stop, but not until AFTER I hit the car in front of me…

Yeah, not a very happy day. So that guy’s car isn’t happy (he hit the guy in front of him after I hit him) and mine isn’t happy at ALL either (hopefully gonna find out if they’re going to total mine today). The guy in front’s truck’s bumper got a bit bent and stuff, but that’ll be fairly easily fixed. The worst part of this is that the guy in the middle, the car I hit, had to go to the hospital for a few hours to get checked out (was having some serious back problems) and then I THINK was going to the doctor. So his day was pretty much ruined. My morning was ruined of course, but not NEARLY as badly as his (I didn’t sustain any injuries and even as I’m writing this, over 24 hours later, I have no pain at all). So that’s just not very cool at all.

Of course, insurance will cover everything (cars, hospital/doctor bills, etc, etc). But that’s not the point. The point is that I screwed up and as a� result, messed up two other people’s days/weeks/months? Yeah, not happy about that at all. On my part, I own another car that my parents were using (but didn’t need right now because they have two other vehicles), so I’ve got that now and will be driving it until I get my car repaired, or buy another one. So really, this whole thing isn’t so bad… On my side anyway.

So yeah, that’s about it. Just be praying for the other guy (Michael is the guy who went to the hospital) and that everything works out ok… I’ll post more (and about other things) whenever I find out more.

There’s various random things going on, none of which are really all that bad and some of which are quite good. So I guess you’d say I’m doing pretty well these days (you know, the last few months anyway). Lets see…

First off, I FINALLY got everything taken care of in terms of my new car. I got the auto-pay fixed for my loan (they screwed it up when I tried to have it done the first time… *sighs), got them the insurance information (well, they already had it, I just had to make sure they KNEW they had it) and got my permanent plate for my car (had to bug the dealer, who had dropped the ball and so they overnighted me the new one). So that’s all done and happy now, which makes ME happy.

Asked this really cool girl out recently too, but… she said no. That sucked of course but it’s ok because we’re still friends and stuff and there doesn’t seem to be many (if any) bad vibes going on cuz of it. I mean, she was completely honest with me and just was really cool, so it made it easy for me to take it in stride and be cool with it too. I mean, I’d of course have preferred if she had said yes, but that goes without saying

Hmm… I rolled my ankle pretty badly on Sunday night playing vball. NOT a good thing (never done that before, nor have I twisted it before… Always been pretty fortunate that way, until now!). It’s all swollen up now and so I’m going to be taking plenty of Advil (for inflammation) and icing it every night, as well as elevating it. Good times… Seriously though, it’s not painful so as long as I take care of it, I should be fine.

Oh, and my Aunt and Grandma from North Carolina (my Dad’s side of the family) have been here since Tuesday and are leaving on Wednesday. So I’ve seen them a few times which has been nice. Not as many as I’d have wanted to, but I guess that’s the way it goes. Seems like I’ve been really busy since they’ve been here. Ultimate on Thursday night, X3 Friday night, Saturday I went caving (more on that later), Sunday was Church, lunch with them, bbq that night and then vball later that night (which is where I messed up my ankle… *sighs). Then today (Monday) I spent most of the day working on cleaning the carpets here at our place.

So I went to Ace Hardware to rent a carpet cleaning machine and it had water in it still! Plus the wheels had lots of junk on them (almost like horse manure… but you know, don’t ask, don’t tell… . So I had to empty the thing in the parking lot before I put it in my trunk (so it didn’t spill all over my trunk) and clean the tires. Then went to WallyWorld (Wall-mart) to buy cleaning stuff, then went back to my place to start cleaning the carpets (got a good amount done anyway, but there’s more to do) and then left at 4:30 for a planning meeting for a camping trip I’m going on this weekend.

Of course, since I was up and moving all day, my ankle isn’t very happy with me. But I guess that’s life. So yeah, doing a camping trip this weekend. I volunteered to buy most of the stuff, so I’ve got a nice long list. Should be fairly easy to get most of it though, so it’s ok. Whatever I can’t, I’ll divvy up to others. There’s 16 of us going this time (9 guys, 7 girls) which is a LOT more than normal. So there’s of course a lot more than normal to buy too. Should be good times though.

Caving on Saturday (the 27th) was fun. Went to Cave of the Bells and had a grand time. However, it did take us a good-long time to find the place since the map we had wasn’t the best in the world. But now we know how to get there for the next time. We also didn’t get anywhere we wanted to, but that was ok. We STILL had fun (and I almost got stuck down there for ever and ever and are all willing to go again. Most important thing was that nobody got seriously hurt. Pictures of the cave (and some fun afterwords) are here.

Hmm… Jeremy was back for the weekend from San Diego, so it was nice to see him again. He’s re-joined the Navy and so he’s in training right now in San Diego and then will be going off to Kuwait. I’ll probably get to see him a few more times before he leaves, but it’s certainly quieter without him here (he was living on our couch for a bit). And another friend (Nathan) is leaving for the Navy tomorrow, but he’s just joined for the first time so he’s going to boot camp. Great fun!

Sarah (friend of mine from the Young Professionals group) left today for HER trip. They (her team) have a blog at trainingteachers.blogspot.com. So, pray for them and that everything will go well there. Good friends of mine (Wendy and Peter Smith) are heading to Thailand on Wednesday to work there (they’re missionaries with Wycliffe Bible Translators). And then other friends from Casas are coming back tomorrow from their China trip. *phew!* Lots going on for sure on that front.

And that’s about all I can think of. I’m probably missing stuff that I’ll think of later but this is certainly plenty for this blog anyway. Ooh, I’m thinking about doing a funny-a-day thing on here too with videos and pictures and stuff that I find funny. I’ve just gotta write some good code that’ll make it so people can watch it to their heart’s content, download the stuff, etc, etc… They just won’t be able to directly link to the videos from other sites. I think I know a good way to do it, just gotta implement it.

Until next time, have fun!

I feel as though I’ve gotten into a rut and I just can’t get myself out of it. I keep trying to push out on one side or the other and keep falling back into the middle again. The problem is that I just don’t have the energy I need to push myself further along. Well, lets back up a bit because that sounds very melodramatic and it’s not really like that at all.

The truth of the matter is that I’ve been doing quite well lately, in most areas. I’ve been hanging out with old friends some more and also making new ones. I’ve been going to Church a lot more, but beyond that I’ve started going back to a Bible Study that I really am getting a lot out of so far (both spiritually and in friendships). So all of that is going well. But that’s during the week when I’ve got regular work and don’t have time for much else.

The weekends however have been another story. I’ve felt depressed, lonely, and overall just felt useless. I’ve not been doing the things I’ve wanted to (clean up my room, the house, fix the TV, my car, my dresser, etc, etc…) and been doing the things I’ve NOT wanted to (slept in, played around on the computer, lazed around, basically, done nothing). So I changed this weekend up. I went to my parents on Friday night and then Saturday, woke up and worked with my Dad on my car.

That was a really good thing and I got it mostly done (finished it up today… just was installing new speakers and a stereo). I also went to a friend’s going away party and generally had a good day. Then today comes and I can’t even get myself moving in the morning to get to Church on time. So I’ve just felt kinda blah all day. Not good, not bad, just ok. Which is NOT good in my eyes.

When I think about it of course, I know that there’s a lot of good things going on in my life and that yes, there’s a few bad things, but that’s just the way it goes. However, being a perfectionist I tend to focus on the bad and not the good. So here we are. Another weekend where I feel like I just missed everything and I’m on to another week a work.

I am quite certain that this all comes down to me trying to get closer to God and really figure out what God wants from my life. I have not been sure for a long time, but I’ve been working at it and trying to do what He wants. I just recently finished up Wild at Heart by John Eldredge (Audio-Book version… really easy to do while driving to and from work) and I’ve started Waking the Dead (again by Eldredge). Like I said, I have also started going back to a bible study with some great people, but more than both of those… I’ve been looking at my life and God’s been showing me areas that I need to give control over to him.

A long while back, he told me to give him control of my job situation, and so I did. For the most part. I did keep some control (or maybe most?), but even with me keeping that control, God still used the bit I gave him and has been blessing me in that area a LOT. I love my current job and I truly believe it was completely a God thing that got me the job in the first place (read some of my previous posts for more info on that).

But there’s other areas that God has been nudging me about. One major one is girls. I have ALWAYS taken control of that part of my life into my own hands and so far, things have not gone well at all. I know it’s because I’ve not given control over to God but it’s not easy, so I’m resisting and continuing to fail. Do I think God will provide for me? Probably… but it’s that doubt that has kept me from giving Him the control.

But I AM working at it and I know it’s a process that will take time. Thankfully I do have time, but… I’m also tired of waiting, so here I am. Unsure of what to do in this area of my life. This is just one area though that I’m not sure about. There’s plenty of others. But right now I think that this one is the “biggest” for me because I’ve struggled with it the most.

So I guess I’ll keep trying to wait and see what God says. They say patience is a virtue, but it’s certainly not my strongest one. So, I’ll let that be my prayer to God. Give me patience and show me the way.

So, a lot of things have happened since my last post. I guess I’ll start with the beginning and go from there! April 1st was a very good day (really, no April Fools!). That night was Stomp in Phoenix at ASU Gammage Theatre with a bunch of friends, but first my Dad and I went up early to look at a car (again, in Phoenix).

Well, a few hours after looking at it, I had purchased it and drove it off the lot! So, I’m the new owner of a 2002 Honda Accord Coupe. It’s just the 2.3L 4cyl engine, but that also means that it’s pretty fuel-efficient (good with the way the gas is going) and cheaper (guess that’s good so I can pay off debts and the car quicker). This did unfortunately mean that I couldn’t join my friends for dinner before the show, but that was ok because I had a new car!

Anyway, after that I went to the show and it was awesome! Lots of fun and I was really glad to go. Tried to take a few pictures but… they were all blurry in the end so I deleted them. *sighs* Oh well… Sunday I went to Rocks & Ropes (an indoor rock climbing gym) with some friends and then of course volleyball afterwords. Good end to that weekend.

So then that week (the week of the 3rd) was more training at work (actually in classes). Everything went well until Wednesday night (a week ago exactly!) when I went to play raquetball with a friend at Gold’s Gym. I hadn’t played for a LONG time (years) and hadn’t been to Gold’s for a while either (months). And I don’t think I’ll forget the experience for a while

What happened you ask? Well, really, nothing all that much. I just got hit in the face with a raquetball racket while playing with two friends. Of course, it bled pretty well and cut me pretty deep (I did get hit pretty hard) and so I went to the hospital (my right eye, where I got hit, was a bit blurry which was not making me too happy…). I did drive myself and went to my place beforehand to get some contacts and glasses JUST in case they (the people at the hospital) wanted me to change them.

Got there around 9:30 PM or 10:00 PM and by that time, my eye was not so blurry and the cut had stopped hurting a LONG time before that (about 10-20 minutes after I got hit really…), but I still decided I needed stitches. Well, after getting in and waiting for HOURS, I finally talked to the Doctor who wanted to give me a CT Scan (lovely…) and then stitch me up. Long story short, I was there for a total of 7 hours or so (actually went home and then found that my cut was under my eyebrow which the doc didn’t see and didn’t stitch and so I went back) and didn’t get to bed until 6:00 AM or so.

They gave me a total of 10 stitches (nine the first time, one the second), plus of course some anti-biotics (well, got that at Walgreens on the way home) and pain medicine. I took the next day off (well, really that day which was Thursday) of work (after notifying them of course) and slept most of the day. So yeah, that was great fun. But I’ve had no pain from it all so I guess I can’t complain too much

Then on Saturday night I had a BBQ at my place and I guess about 25 people showed up. Quite a large number for the size of this place (two bedroom, two bath townhouse), but it was a lot of fun. A number of us then went to a local park for a night hike since the moon was fairly full and the weather was nice. Then on Sunday the 9th, I played Ultimate frisbee and just today I stopped being sore from that. But I had a LOT of fun. We had 20 some odd people in all (maybe closer to 30) so it was a good game for sure. Just tiring! Then again, volleyball of course

And now we’re here at today. Still doing training for work and all that. I’m due to get my stitches out tomorrow (could have gotten them out yesterday but… I couldn’t get a doctor’s appointment in time) and I’m actually thinking about playing raquetball tonight with the same guy who hit me last week… Guess I am crazy after all!!

Well, what I decided that I need to realize is that I’m a perfectionist and so because of that, I try to push everything I do to perfection. This is a good thing for sure, but it also means that when I don’t achieve perfection, I’m a failure (in my mind) and therefore get myself into this rut that gets deeper and deeper.

The good news is that I’ve figured this out about myself over the years… It just takes a little bit of time to catch it and stop it. Of course, the biggest part of all this is putting the control in God’s hands and removing myself from the equation. Well, not exactly removing myself, but pulling the responsibility out of my hands and into God’s since that’s where it will work out best anyway.

So, I’m back. A bit of a down-hill there but in the end, nothing too major. Just needing to realize that this is the next major “speed-bump” in my life and that it will take time to get this one taken care of the right way.

As my last post has probably indicated, I’m not exactly happy right now. Far from it actually. Why is it that I’m not happy? I mean, I just got a new job that’s going pretty well and so I should be on top of the world, right? Well, it’s because I still feel incomplete. And THAT’S because I’m really wanting to find the right girl for me and have had a LOT of hurt in that area instead.

Yep, it pretty much boils down to girls. I guess that’s the case for most guys my age, but it’s always seemed to be more of a problem for me than with other guys. Through my life, I’d only had three girlfriends. In a lot of ways, that’s actually a good thing because I’ve only had three opportunities to really get close to a girl and have my heart broken (or break hers). But it’s also meant that every other girl I’ve approached has reproached me for bringing up the subject.

The thing is that I know what I need to do. I know I need to turn this over to God and let him take care of it. But this is my hardest struggle in life. This is the one that I always take over for myself and very rarely give to God. It’s sad, but I think that’s because I don’t trust him to give me what I want. So instead, I try to take it myself and end up failing instead. And as I have said before, it’s been made harder by most of the good friends I had before starting to date eachother and leaving me (and others) out of their new lives and relationships. Yes, some of that has been me not wanting to be a part of their PDA, but it does take two to tango…

That still leaves me here, knowing full well what I need to do but not wanting to do it because it’s so hard. I’m even using the excuse that I don’t know HOW to give it over to God to keep me from doing what I know is right and best for me. Well, that’s not completely fair. I really am NOT sure what I need to do for that, but I’m positive that if I put a little effort forward, I’d figure it out.

Above all else though, I want to get out of this rut and remove this stumbling block that has been with me for so long. I want to clean my life up and give this piece over to God and let HIM take care of it. Let HIM worry about it and let HIM make everything work for HIS glory. Because THAT is the definition of perfection and it would certainly be the perfect choice for me. So, that’s my wish and hope. That I can have the strength to give it to God and let him do what’s right in my life. Then I won’t be so sad about it any more.

I wish I knew what was going on with my life. What was going on with me but I don’t and it’s getting me more and more frustrated. I’m not able to do the things I need to do when I want to do them and that’s making me VERY annoyed with myself. Not only that but the things in my life that used to make me happy don’t any more. It’s like I’m a completely different person than I used to be, but I’m not even sure what that person is any more.

Yesterday I talked about change in my life and how much change there is going on. But I really only scratched the surface. There’s even more going on inside my head than what I talked about. Besides the change going on, I’m not even sure what I DO want, much less what I don’t. Take friends for example. I’ve had a great bunch of friends for the last few years (4 or 5). But things have changed in the group now and I don’t have nearly as much fun hanging out with them. Part of it is because I was traveling so much with my last job and was almost never around. But it is also because of the other people in the group changing and not doing the same things as before.

No, I don’t blame them (that’s what life is about), but it makes it hard to enjoy the group when it’s not the same as it was before and “I’M” different too. So I’ve been trying to find some new friends but I can’t seem to find a group that I really feel like I fit into. There’s this group from The Xchange (a group at Casas Adobes Baptist Church) that is fairly cool and most of them are in the same place in life that I am. But they are mostly party kind of people and drink and go to clubs a lot and I stopped doing that kind of thing a while ago.

Not only that, but I don’t feel like I’m as good as them whenever I hang out with them. Kinda like I’m the younger sibling that hangs around but nobody really wants them to. Would anybody from that group say that’s the case? Probably not but that’s what I think every time I’m with them (like tonight). Don’t get me wrong, I do generally have fun when I hang out with that group but it’s just not the same…

Then there’s also my roomie and some of his friends. They are cool to hang out with, but depending upon who’s there, I feel like I’m the old fogie of the group (mostly cuz they’re all college-aged and I’m not). Maybe it’s just that I’m picky (well, probably it’s partly that because I am…), but I’m just having a lot more problems with this than I think I should.

I guess it all makes me feel abnormal. Which is the last thing I want. I want to fit in, to feel like I mean something and I don’t. I don’t want to have these struggles and I think I always will. And there’s nothing I can do about it. Now THAT’S a depressing thought. Nothing I can do about it. So here I am, trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing. Who I’m supposed to be and as usual, I’m lost. And yes, I’m trying to do it the right way. I’m trying to do what God wants me to do but that’s not exactly easy.

No, it’s not supposed to be easy because if it were, what would we learn? But while I’m in it, I want out. I want another way, something else to happen. Freedom is what I want. Freedom from this pain that I’m always carrying around. From the burdens that I put on myself. Only God can do that, so I guess the answer is to keep giving it to him. Keep giving him the pain and everything else and carry on. The narrow path is the one I need to take. I hope I don’t stray too far.

I’ve never been one for change, unless it’s been planned and all thought out. But the last 7 years of my life have been pretty much living on the edge of my seat and taking life as it comes to me (and as I make it…). I mean, if my original plan had been in place, I’d be working for some company in computers (probably programming or maybe designing circuits) and of course have a degree.

I also expected to be married by now or at LEAST have a serious relationship going on. But none of that has happened and I’m FINALLY realizing that it’s ok. Sure, things are different than I wanted and have been fairly interesting at times but it’s taught me a lot about myself and especially God and so I think it’s been benificial.

Like tonight, I hung out with a bunch of younger kids (kids being college-aged generally) and we watched Batman Begins. Not what I’d generally consider a fun night out, but I did have fun for the most part. There was a line in there where Bruce Wayne was asked by his Dad: Why do we fall? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.

I’m fairly certain that it wasn’t meant to be Christian in nature, but it still works. I mean, how else do we learn as humans? We almost always have to do it the hard way (like burning your hand on the stove as a kid). We learn best that way and generally never do it again. But it’s painful for sure. I’m getting to the point now where I can see some benifit from my previous falls and having to pick myself back up again.

No, I’m certainly not perfect and never will be. I don’t have all the answers and I still fall in one way or another every day. But the big falls are not as big any more (at least I’m hoping not!) and I don’t slide as far as I used to when I do fall. Granted, my life isn’t over and there’s plenty to do still. But I do feel like I’m making progress and that’s a good thing.

So what does this all have to do with change? Well, I’m going through some major changes in my life right now. New job, new friends (sortof…) and a new Church. New job you’ve heard plenty about. New friends, well… the old “group” just doesn’t hang out as much as we used to because people have gotten jobs, relationships or just changed personalities. It’s been about a month since I’ve hung out with them and that’s unheard of in Group history.

This means to me that it’s time to find a new group of friends, but I’m just not sure which ones. I’m friends with some people that go to a Wednesday Night Bible Study thing that also go to Casas, but I’m not sure they’re the ones I want to hang out with. Most of them are in the clubbing and drinking range right now and I passed that a while ago (stopped drinking in May, another lesson…). So it makes it hard to want to hang out with them when I’m fairly different in those ways, and others.

But I dunno who else to hang out with so I’m trying to figure that one out (other than the core group of friends that I’m thankful to have right now). And Church, well…� I moved and so the Church I pretty much grew up in is pretty far away now. Plus, the original pastor of that Church is preaching at a Church rather near me. However, there are not NEARLY as many people my age there. So, the Pastor is great but the fellowship isn’t that wonderful.

I will be trying a new Bible Study thing on Wednesday nights with them that might work out well but we’ll see how that goes. So yeah, there’s a lot of change going on in my life and I just don’t know what to do about it. Starting to get a little over-whelming but I’m sticking with it and trying to do what God wants me to do. Now if I could just figure out what that is…

You know, as humans we fuss and complain about our lives and the way things go. Especially of course when stuff doesn’t go just as we wanted it to. But it always seems to work out just fine. It might take longer than we thought it might (or thought we could wait for) but God is always there in the background, working the details to make everything work out just perfectly.

Today, I saw God do that in my life again with my job situation. Thankfully I had put my trust in him already and I’m leaning 100% (well, trying to anyway) on his understanding of what’s going on and ability to make everything work perfectly. And yep, it looks pretty perfect to me right now. I just hope I don’t screw it up!

I can’t give details right now because it’s not all done yet but it’s good news and I’m positive that it’s God’s plan. So that means I know it’s the right one. And THAT I can certainly live with.